I CAN LOVE MYSELF [INTERVIEW: Can]
Can is an artist and performer that prominently plays in queer spaces around Tokyo.
With an unique atmosphere, they produce multi-faceted works as a DJ artist and fashion designer. Today, we asked them about their activity, as well as their origins and how “can” came to be. From the countryside with barely any street lamps to the city that never sleeps. We first asked can about what brought him to fashion in the first place.
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Q. WHAT MADE YOU INTERESTED IN FASHION?
When I was in second grade, I thought my Dad’s converses were so cool, and I begged them to buy me a pair. That was the first time I ever chose to WANT to wear something out of my own will. But, to be honest, I don’t think that’s exactly the reason why I gained an interest in fashion. That actually started when I started university.
When you start uni, you stop wearing uniforms. At the time, my fashion was really.. something (lol). A friend saw that and actually took me thrift shopping. For the first time
ever, I wore clothing that wasn’t my usual style, and honestly, I thought I looked so cool.
My first experience realizing the power of dressing me brings me to where I am today.
I went to an art university in the countryside, and specialized in product design while researching about plate designs and what not. But, I quickly realized my own interest in fashion too, so I would implement fashion elements within my assignments as well.
Other than that, I would participate in fashion-related internships or research diverse styles by going downtown and just observing what people wore.
Currently, Can works at a company in the city that designs clothes. They also create their own pieces on their free time, as well.
Q. HOW DID YOU BECOME A DJ ARTIST?
The owner of the thrift store I worked at when I was in uni was actually a DJ, and the reason why I first went to the club. I remember being really shocked at the environment at first, but eventually I began to gain interest and slowly started collecting gear.
Q. WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO MAKE CLOTHING?
When I first started going to DJ parties, I didn’t have any friends, so I would just go by myself. I think the people on the dance floor are all equal; in that moment, there’s no hierarchy or discrimination. I liked that environment where you could just meet people as equals. That’s why I kept going. But I always felt a sense of isolation, even though I’m supposed to be there for fun, wearing the clothes I like. It eventually became a bit much for me. If that’s the case, though, I should just make the type of clothes I feel the most comfortable in! That was the headspace that made me start making clothes. A lot of people from overseas would speak to me after I started making my own outfits, and I met a lot of new people through that.
Q. IS THERE A REASON FOR YOUR CURRENT STYLE AND THE MASK?
There’s a guitarist named Wes Borland in the band, "Limp Bizkit” that I really like. He looks so insanely different from the image of the band, but that was so inspiring and cool to me. I think that because of the way he looks, it ties directly to my fashion taste now.
The reason why I started wearing my mask was because of a party called “AINO TECHNO GALS.” The dress code of the party is “The fashion that makes you shine - Your most radiant style,” and for me, I always wanted to dance with a mask on. I bought a mask and some charms to put on it 5 days before the party. I was super nervous wearing it the day of, but the organizer actually loved it (lol). But just that made me incredibly happy. It was the first time that my curiosity was accepted in that way. There have been instances where people assume my mask is to hide and patch up my truth, or to avoid being disliked, but I feel like I can say that my fear or my avoidance is an important part of me. Moreover, I feel like dancing with a mask on feels a lot more fun, as simple as that reasoning is. This outfit has become my staple for any party now, and it’s directly connected to my activity as a DJ artist.
Q. What’s the meaning behind your name?
I named myself Can from the phrase “I CAN LOVE MYSELF.” When I first started my activity, I didn’t know if the things I did were correct, if they were good, whether I can be satisfied with myself, whether people can be happy from what I do- there was a period of my life where I couldn’t face reality and by extension, my own feelings straight on. Music didn’t bring me joy; I couldn’t bear to look at clothes; I just lost interest in everything that used to entertain me. Understanding my own emotions wasn’t the difficult part, but accepting them felt so difficult. The people who inspire me are all doing things to achieve their goals, so I must do the same. This pressure just kept falling heavier on me. So for me, the phrase “I CAN LOVE MYSELF” means accepting even the parts of myself that kept comparing, the parts I didn’t like about myself, the negative parts of myself. To love all that, isn’t that the greatest way to love yourself? But I still don’t have the confidence to
love all of myself yet fully, so to tell myself that “I can love myself,” I put “can” in. It’s a name to remind myself how I feel.
There’s no way taking a bath leisurely, drinking hot tea, and relaxing- the tips commonly accepted as self-love acts- could solve the things I worry about. How could that ever solve my problems?
The idea of self-love never resonated with me. On top of that, I convinced myself that if I push my own limit to a point of strain, that’d allow me to make better art. I worshipped that like my muse, but the name “I CAN LOVE MYSELF” really saved me.
To me, self-love means accepting the “me” who
can’t love themself.
THE PEOPLE I MET THROUGH QUEERTOPIA ARE IRREPLACABLE.
Our team also asked can about their take on queer culture, which is a part of our theme for this volume.
They told us how even though they aren’t entirely sure in their own identity, the value system they hold dear is things that formed over time.
In 3rd grade, he would get outed for their sexual orientation, and all throughout high school, his peers would keep mocking him. Can attended an all-boys school, but when one of his peers said can was a charming person, he fell for him.
People would tease can for being gay, and he would confirm it by telling them about his crush on his peer. By labeling himself, he would prevent people from being disappointed by him. Even though it’s the truth that he liked his classmate, there was a part of him that would “act” in a way that didn’t completely resonate to protect themself as a character.
In the end, though, it didn’t help with the relations he had with his classmates in high school.
When he was talking about his experience with his crush in high school to a friend in uni, that friend revealed to can how he also liked men. There was no teasing or mocking, but just a straightforward confession of, “I’m gay.”
Right when can was reflecting on his identity, an acquaintance he spoke to told him,
“Whatever shape it may be, that experience you had in high school is undoubtedly love.”
After those words, can began to explore his sexuality and the community surrounding it.
It was then that he met the people at Queertopia.
The people in this community accepted the things he was worrying or thinking about like it were nothing.
Conversations flowed naturally, and they affirmed to him that, of course, it’s normal to live as queer.
Can sat down and told us that one of his few dreams is to be able to host
parties like the safe space Queertopia provided him.
Q. COMPARED TO YOUR PAST WORKS, IS THERE A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR APPROACH TO ART?
I think my work in the past was very noisy. What I mean by that is, when I was a child, and my parents were arguing I would break plates on purpose. Actions that weren’t explainable by words. That’s how I tried to stop the yelling. By using sound, I would attempt to communicate my feelings as a child. The frustrations I felt at the time, the pain with the inability to express myself, my designs would somehow tie back to something similar to the broken shards of porcelain plates.
Even though that was how I faced art at the time, now I’m conscious of approaching my pieces with my own curiosity as the base. By being able to understand my likes and dislikes as well as my values, I’ve been really able to make works that I’m able to call my own. The biggest difference between my past and now is that I’m able to create things with a happy image.
Q. WHAT ARE SOME DREAMS OR ASPIRATIONS YOU HAVE AS OF NOW?
Now that I know my hobbies and interests, I want to hold these emotions close to me and bring them into my fashion and DJ-ing. And with that, I want to really be grateful for who I meet and what kind of scenery I get to see.
I came to Tokyo 4 years ago, but I always thought I wasn’t able to gain anything special within the 4 years. But when I was recently packing to move, all these different things - books, clothes, records - all things I held dear to myself kept popping up. It really made me realize my source.
Every physical thing that showed up when I was packing seemed like proof to me that I really lived here in this place, and it was all just a big treasure box of everything I loved. I’m allowed to live the way I want to, in whatever direction I want to.
Moving out made me realize that. Even if it’s my own ego moving me forward, I wish to gain more experience in whatever I choose to do.
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